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3:47pm  4.7.12

Scene: a kitchen in a spooky historical loft, Lincoln Heights

Having a moment of selfishness that came out of nowhere…

Well, I know where it came from.

The biggest enemy you will ever face is yourself.

I think a stare down in the mirror is in order again.

Was it my hair changing that brought this on?  I’m honestly not sure.  The face in the mirror seems different but the same… and with it, every flaw of perfection and imperfection.

Beauty and disaster are all products of our own creation.  Art is everywhere and nowhere.

And inside I’m imploding a bit.  I’m happy for others accomplishments but envious and jealous.

“I’m good at one thing.  I’m good at making things go viral.” he said.

And he talked about how he didn’t understand things about me… about my ability to connect so fluidly and didn’t understand how I wasn’t getting more out of it.  How I wasn’t getting jobs or more funding or…

Choices.  Execution.  More choices.

And I was faced with a mirror again and I wanted to just scream.

Why HAVEN’T I gotten more done?  What’s holding me back?

I know the answers.  You would think that with that knowledge (read: power) I would feel empowered and not… powerless.

And oftentimes I do.  But at others I feel like… a fraud.

And it bothered me a bit more.  And because I was/am aware of it I was thankful that he had to bring me home when he did.  I mean… he’d brought me home because he was sick and we were both disappointed that we’d had to part ways like that… it seems neither of us enjoy this part at all and it’s wonderful and amazing but I was feeling very selfish and frustrated with everything not to do with him directly and things that did but were not issues at all just… bothered me.

He didn’t touch me very much last night and throughout the day.  It was frustrating. I wanted to be enough for him.  I wanted him to feel better, but there was a part of me that was hoping he’d have felt better because I was there (read: more selfish pettiness) and the fact that there was nothing I could do to assist in that got to me a little.

I have these talents within me.  An abundance of them.  And most people are good at one thing and that’s all they have… and I envy them.  I envy the ability of every one of them that makes more money and has less talent but has the direction to make things happen and turn it into bigger paychecks than I do.

What part of me gets in the way the most?  A touch of ego perhaps although grounded to know that I never know enough but at times I wish I knew even less.

I worked so hard to build a reputation.  But what kind of reputation is it?  I mean… who is going to take a girl with the acronymn “Scandalous” seriously.  My intelligence would immediately tell me:

“You know the answer already Jen.  Because Scandalous is a girl who has the fasacade of a “woman”.”

And the jealousy eats at my soul again.  Perhaps it’s eaten away at more than I really know.  Perhaps I never did know.  That maybe even after all these years… and finally beliveing that I might have been closer to that that… I still don’t know.

I posted a picture of me with my blonde hair to my Facebook yesterday.  I’m still adjusting to it and not sure if I like it.  It’s pulling out a bit of an identity crisis.  And then there was the first comment to it…

“Do I know you?”

And I thought about my own answer beyond just the reflection in the mirror.

The only answer

The immediate answer

Was one I knew immediately.

“I don’t know.”

Perhaps him bringing me home early- as cheesy and selfish as it sounds- was for a reason that while it had nothing to do with me had everything to do with me.

I have a few hours to myself if the loft remains empty.  I have my friend’s music playing and am determined to work and work and work.  I know deep down that this is a moment of weakness.  But you can’t get stronger without acknowledging and facing those points when you’re weak.

Did I mention that I’m glad you couldn’t see this part of me?  That I hope that I was able to cover it up enough that you wouldn’t freak out (whilst I draft something you might end up seeing later)?

At the end of the day none of this petty shit matters.  Now to get to it.

Here I come face in the mirror.  Get ready to disco.