being vulnerable, dating, don't doubt yourself, heart failure, Hollywood, Little girl Big city, Los Angeles, pressure cooker, red flags, relationships, separation of self, sequence of scenes, stories from the city, the arrival, the programmer, the programmer that stole my heart, understanding real love
Scene: an office with a purple wall, downtown Los Angeles
The morning had started a bit grizzly. I was over at his place and things from Vegas still hadn’t settled. We are intensely attracted to each other. Perhaps too much.
In Vegas I freaked out. I didn’t expect to fall in love. We talked so casually about engagement and children. It’s something that I’ve wanted for a long time but wanted to build with someone in time. The whole thing had been a whirlwind. And now it was even more so.
I’d introduced my son to him yesterday. I’d gotten the heavy from my dad.
“Do you want to know how to make my dad pissed even more so?”
“Continue to make me happy.”
We kissed. Things were rocky but we were ever so attracted to each other. And then there were doubts. On both our parts. We had managed to scare the crap out of each other. But the attraction… and we couldn’t keep our hands off eachother.
“I love you. What kind of ring do you want? I think I want to keep you forever.”
He has “sleep turrets” where he gets moody in the morning. We didn’t get much sleep that night. I hadn’t seen him in days and I wanted his affection.
And then he growled at me.
I took the bus from West Hollywood to work and began my day. I was strangely more at ease than I had been in days prior. I loved him. He loved me. Things were going to be ok once we calmed down. Or so I hoped.
I started to write a post. It was about someone we both knew mutually. I stopped myself. I wanted to write about something else. I went to my old blog for inspiration. What I found was a draft about something I’d written about change. About how hard I was pressing towards that goal. About how little by little it was finally happening.
Before I met him, I had finally been getting my affairs in order. Change isn’t instant. It takes time. I was more there and ready than I had ever been before. But not with everything.
I thought about how things have been before Vegas, and afterwards. About the distance. About my stress. About both of our stresses. About how amazing things are when we both calm down.
“Yet another week. Another day. Another opportunity to live life with eyes wide open.
And I miss them. It tugs at my heart I miss them so much. Realization sets in. A little more each day. I’m getting older. They’re growing up. And this season… I really feel that I am too.” the draft read.
I continued to read on. There was more. And the more I read the more it tugged more.
I talked to some friends about things with him. About how all over the charts things had been. About how proud they had been of the places I had been going. About how they were worried that this was going to take away my sunshine.
The more I talked to them, the more and more they began to worry about me. More and more I found myself worrying about him- not just as a lover, but as a friend.
I know who I am and what I have to do. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. If anything, I know now not to doubt myself and that I really am capable of loving someone and being loved.